An Optical Illusion
Many objectively good things we hope to accomplish on any given day—a good meeting, a good meal, a good trip, a good conversation—rest in the hands of other people.
Similarly, many of the more significant milestones we strive for—your next deal, your next role, your next client, that big project being completed on time and on budget etc. - in large part depend on the minds, will, and efforts of others.
The Illusion of Control
While there are certainly things we initiate and execute entirely on our own, absolute control over most outcomes is largely an illusion.
Many of the outcomes we seek—from the meaningful to the mundane, be it completing a major project or enjoying a dining experience on a rainy Tuesday evening —depend on the participation of others. Some of these people we know; others we may never meet. Yet each plays a role in shaping the outcomes that comprise our lives.
This proverbial illusion feels real, and understandably so. When we set out to achieve something, we naturally assume our plans will unfold exactly as we envision - and to be fair to ourselves, they actually do often enough to reinforce the belief that we are in control.
Therefore, in our moments of determination and confidence, we often overlook the super intricate web of other people whose choices and actions impact our success. Yet their autonomy and the circumstances that influence it, remain beyond our control.
This truth is particularly evident in the workplace. Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a regional manager at a mid-sized paper company, or have only been in the workforce for a few months, your success is largely tied to outcomes you don’t fully control. For the most part, we are all evaluated on results that require the cooperation and contributions of others.
We do not control outcomes because we do not control people.
But there is one thing...
There is one domain where we can exercise absolute control: ourselves.
This is significant for many reasons, particularly this: while we can’t control others, we can influence them—and our ability to influence effectively is paradoxically rooted in our own self-mastery
I believe the foundation of self-mastery rests on three key areas. Our:
Perspective: How we perceive and interpret situations
Posture: Our attitude and approach toward situations and people
Practices: The actions we take and the habits we cultivate
It is within our span of control to evolve both who we are and who we are becoming. Self-mastery is as a powerful leverage point, allowing us to shape the outcomes we desire through the people we influence.
Your Modus Operandi: Love
The reality of our lives is interdependence, yet we often project independence, as if we could single-handedly make everything happen.
It is always up to people. What you truly want from others—willingness, excitement, alignment, discretionary effort, and their best contribution to matters that concern you—cannot be forced.
However, these outcomes are more naturally achieved when the people it depends on feel genuinely valued and loved.
Our Perspective, Posture, and Practices—the domains within our control—serve as the avenues through which we can, through self-mastery, grow in our capacity to love other people.
Just as others are instrumental in our success, we are integral to theirs. We desire respect, understanding, and recognition as we play our part in the outcomes of others, so we should do the same.
In closing, three things that can reshape not only how you see the world but how the world responds to you.
1. Embrace Interdependence.
There are many phrases in culture that reinforce the myth of individual independence e.g. 'trust no one', 'look out for number one', 'it's me against the world', and 'self-made success' etc . Well, that’s ONE way to move through life 🙂 (but its not the only way)
The truth is, we need and rely on people in countless ways, daily.
2. Focus on Self-Mastery
This is the realm where our zone of control truly exists. Self-mastery (like mastery in anything) is not a given—it’s an attribute that takes time, effort, and purposefulness to hone. I find great irony in the fact that that many who seek to control others fail to realize that the key to influence lies in mastering themselves.
We can become more and more of the kind of person that others would want to give and do their best for.
3. Consider Love as your KPI
See each person as inherently valuable, not merely as a means to the end you seek. Engage with people thoughtfully, recognize their contributions and remain open to other perspectives.
When love becomes your modus operandi, the outcomes you seek— which ultimately rest in the hands of others—tend to unfold more naturally.
